BLOG &!
Friday, February 2, 2007
this is the first post for dis blog. dis blog will kinda act as mae emotional rubbish bin. no names nth. juz plain, raw emotion. not everything will be negativo mind. sum happy stuff. but seldom.
now. dere is dis guy in skool rite. he's a real shit. now he's on my case fer selling him out fer not attending lit class. sincerely, i juz wanna hit him and get it over with. but logic forces me to take a second look. i feel like i've not only sold him out, but myself as well. my own honour. i mean. im now branded, indirectly, a snitch. it completely sucks. dere is no honour and only disrespect in such a title. it only shames me.
another freaky moment. my hate. i built it up on purpose because i became sick and tired of not being able to fight wen i need to. problem. im having trouble controlling it now. it's so loose. every lil ting is a moment for it to run wild. and i cant stop it. whiny? yes. i noe. but shit. i juz cant. it's like an implosion so deep i cant see it. but i can feel every moment of it's process, and it's wake. take the situation i mentioned above. that guy. he wuz all up in my face. my pride is the trigger. and he crossed a line. i felt so much HATE, so much rawness juz STRUGGLING for freedom. i wanted himm hurt. bad. by my hands. and i felt ashamed of it. cause i am a catholic. and i hav lost my control. even now i struggle to contain it. but sum times, i feel so empty. i juz need sum ting to be dere. sum ting to fill me up. even if it hurts later. it's like an addiction to which dere is no end.
it's funni. but everytime im down, mae main problem in standing back up is myself. I juz force myself down. why? i dunno. mayb im seeking attention. oh god. i hope not. i pray not.
im at a crossroad again. as usual. wad can i say? i dig my own graves. and i pay my debts. always in full. doesnt seem like a ihav a choice. but hey? why question it. i hate choosing. i hate a lot of things. but dey keep getting shoved up in my face. irony. my theorem. it's shits. dat empty feeling again. it's like sum sort of relapse. i HATE IT. god it's tearing my chest open. it hurts so much. but i cant shout out. i cant cry. i cant show any sign of weakness. but i dont noe the reason why. a hole in me. dat cant be filled up with conventional means. ripping tearing shearing cutting.
6:25 AM
im alone; a fear;
